The

Invader

A Satirical News Journal Since 1995

This Week’s Proverb:

“Let me tell you, a citrus stand is almost never ready

For the ring of clowns and cars on fire.”

--Mikhail Gorbachev

1995

‘Tis better to eat a horse than ride a cow.

A frog in an airplane is worth seventeen in a box.

‘Tis better to throw a piano than to eat a fence.

More blood does not always mean better taste.

One who breaks a piano shall soon lose all of his or her fingers to cannibals.

Executions are more fun when the whole family is involved.

1996

It doesn’t have to be payday to jump into a vat of boiling oil.

The world is like a salty goldfish; you can shove it in your pocket, or you can eat it.

If you spend your life in hot water, your skin will probably peel off.

1997

If you think you’ve got it bad, try pulling your kidneys out through your ears.

Filet a fish in Chingchou or fry an oyster in Samarkand; either way, you will ultimately cross the road with your eyes closed.

1999

When all else fails, your next idea will probably fail too.

2000

Just when you think that all is lost, look out, because that’s when you’ll probably hit your head on a sharp, painful object.

2001

When in trouble, become the chief of a local police force and viciously abuse your authority.

2002

There’s nothing like processed seafood floating around in your morning coffee.

2003

Why pay taxes when you can run around with a low-cost incendiary device?

Ye who makes abode near nuclear facility hath the infinite wisdom of 10,000 seers.

2004

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

He who la dei la, la da be.

I was told when I was your age, “Don’t trust to the embers of a dying fire, rice within and oats without make for a nasty libation.”

Listen to me, beer every night, and sun during the day, bears couldn’t steal enough garbage to live.

Let me tell you, a citrus stand is almost never ready

For the ring of clowns and cars on fire.

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